People pleasers have difficulty setting boundaries for fear of not meeting the approval of others.
People pleasers often recognise this is who they are which can develop from childhood and quite often because one parent was kind and generous to others.
A child observes the appreciation returned to their parent and sees this as getting the approval of others.
The child learns to please others sacrificing themselves as adults to meet the approval of others.
The problem with people pleasing is they often get taken advantage of because they have poor boundaries.
Boundaries tell others what is acceptable behaviour towards us.
This includes verbal, psychological, financial, sexual and religious and coercive abuse.
We have a right to put down strong boundaries for self-care.
Strong boundaries at the beginning of a relationship tell the other person what you are prepared to accept and not accept. It shows the other person you have self-respect.
Boundaries include touch, names, money, time and intimacy. It tells the other person what your limits are.
People pleasers have difficulty setting limits because of guilt. They feel they won’t meet the approval of others if they use the word No.
If someone comes from a childhood of domestic violence or abusive relationships or if one or both parents made decisions for them, the person needing to put down boundaries will second guess their decision to put down boundaries or won’t know what their boundaries are.
To help you recognise your boundaries here are some suggestions.
You are to be respected, not disrespected.
Called positive names not sworn at.
To be spoken to gently, not yelled and screamed at.
Held gently, not shoved around or hit.
To be built up and not pulled down or put under the bus or used as the brunt of someone’s jokes.
When someone reacts to your boundaries, this shows a lack of respect.
This can look like
“You’re too sensitive!!”
“I was only joking!!”
“You know you’re crazy!!”
“You know it’s true!!”
This is also known as gaslighting.
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