According to Gottman’s Theory, the level of friendship you have or don’t have is determined by “turning toward” your partner or “turning away” from your partner.
What do these look like?
Turning toward.
You come home from work and you can’t wait to tell your partner about something exciting that happened.
Your partner is watching their favourite show on NETFLIX.
You begin telling them “Honey, guess what happened at work today!! It’s so exciting!!”
Your partner pauses the program and responds “I have no idea, honey!! What happened??”
This is called turning toward because they are giving you their full attention.
They are showing you, what is important to you is important to them.
You will feel heard, validated, valued and supported.
Turning away.
You come home from work with something exciting to tell your partner and they’re watching their favourite program on NETFLIX.
You begin with, “Honey, guess what happened at work today!!”
Your partner either ignores you or doesn’t take their focus away from the program and responds “Not now!! Cant you see Im watching my favourite show!!”
This will leave you feeling not valued, not a priority, not validated, not loved and unsupported.
Gottman’s report 86% of couples who turn away from each other will end in divorce.
Many couples I see don’t think friendship is important in their relationship. They moved in together almost immediately before they really knew each other.
These couples are on the brink of separation when they come to see me and they explain they moved in together before they were friends.
It is important to have a friendship as the foundation of your relationship.
There is a lot more to your relationship than living together.
Friendship strengthens your relationship with trust, intimacy, respect, love and vulnerability. Friendship keeps the relationship together through hard times and struggles.
Friendship builds on emotional and physical intimacy.
It keeps you in tune with your partner and it builds on communication and provides a couple with a healthy way to navigate through conflict without rage and contempt.
Friendship is when you feel safe with your partner. Not just physically but also emotionally.
You’re asking the question, are you really there for me?
Friendship means you know you can be your vulnerable self with your partner to be silly and know you will still be accepted or when you are feeling your worst and know your partner will look after you.
Friendship is your partner knowing your inner most secrets and you are confident your secrets wont be shared with anyone else.
Friendship is feeling secure and at home in your relationship. Your partner is your person and you do not want anyone else by your side.
Friendship asks the question can I be myself with you with no judgement?
If you feel this is missing from your relationship and you would like to rediscover this, click on the link below for a booking today.
