The short answer is because they are unaware they are being abused because the abuse takes place slowly over time.
If the abuser was to abuse immediately before the relationship took place, the victim would hopefully run and not look back.
A Narcissist will tell their victim everything they need to hear and shower them with gifts and dinners out etc.
The victim is feeling loved, supported, appreciated and valued.
This is the love bombing stage.
In the next stage, the abuser will start to slowly control the victim by isolating them from friends and family. Maybe telling the victim their family and friends are jealous of them or they really don’t support them.
This is the gaslighting stage.
Doubt now creeps into the victim’s mind and may start to pull away from those close to them.
If the victim has moved in with the abuser by this stage, the abuser may convince the victim to move away from the abuser. They are now isolated.
The next stage is criticism.
The abuser slowly begins to criticise and verbally abuse the victim.
The abuser may now start to be short-fused, undermine and belittle the victim.
The abuser uses derogative names at the victim while reminding them not even their family loves them.
The victim will be stripped of all self worth and told nobody else could love them.
The next stage is further abuse.
The victim is told if they hadn’t provoked the abuser, they wouldn’t have hit them, called them names or thrown their phone and smashed it etc.
Meanwhile, it isn’t all doom and gloom for the victim.
The abuser does show intermittent glimpses of positive reinforcement.
This is what keeps the victim in the relationship.
The victim is told if they do what they’re told the abuser won’t do this or that.
The victim believes if they change, or do things differently the abuser will be like the way they were when they first met.
The problem is the abuser was never who they were in the beginning.
That person never existed.
Because the positive reinforcement is intermittent, the victim holds out for the abuser to change positively. The victim has no way of knowing when they will be treated as they were in the beginning so they stay. When the abuser does treat the victim positively or even apologises for previous abuse with flowers or gifts, the victim believes the abuser.
Because the abuser can mimic the victim’s kind and loving nature, this causes the victim to feel sorry for the abuser and convinces themselves they love them.
It isn’t long before the abuse begins again and the victim is blaming themselves.
If you recognise this cycle, make a safety plan with someone close to you, whom you can trust who can help you leave.
