Separation
Separating can be very traumatic for everyone involved, especially the children.
So often the parent leaving sees it as them leaving the other parent and not the children. One parent may have walked out emotionally and physically on the other parent but I can assure you the children see it that one parent has left them too.
To a child, their family is their whole world and parents can expect a child’s behaviour to change due to their new reality. Children grieve too which includes anger. They internalise feelings they do not understand.
When One Becomes Two
Separation means two separate households to a child. This means two separate rules. One household may have entirely different rules to the ones the child/children have grown up with.
One household may have more relaxed rules. One parent may have more money to spend on the child/children when they have them so that parent becomes the “fun” parent while the other parent and often the custodial parent has only enough money for the essentials and can’t afford to buy the children things outside of the necessities or take them out due to after school activities they’re also paying for.
Be Child/Children Focused.
Keeping in mind the child’s world has just fallen apart during your separation, it is important to put the children first when co-parenting.
It is important for both parents to work towards keeping the child’s/children’s routine as normal as possible.
If the child/children were active team members of a particular sporting group or dance school, it is important for them to continue even when they’re with the “access” parent especially when it is not a 50/50 arrangement. A child goes through shame and embarrassment when they have to let their team down every 2nd week due to being at the access parent’s home and the access parent lives up to 2 hrs away from the child’s home town so the access parent refuses to take the child to their weekly sporting event.
When deciding to separate, plan to take your child to their weekly sporting and training event. More often than not,(except for dance gymnastics, swimming and skating sports), it is seasonal. Children shouldn’t be paying the price for their parent’s relationships.
Separation Is Not a Game of Chess!!
Do not use your child/children as pawns to punish the other parent. An adult can deal with the frustrations but ultimately it is the child/children who pay the ultimate price.
Do not run down the other parent to the child/children. Eventually the child/children will realise what is happening and return to the parent who was being bullied.
The children deserve to grow up with having healthy relationships with both parents without being emotionally manipulated to stay longer or more often with the “access” parent to soothe that parent’s needs or to punish the other parent.
Child Support
Many access parents refuse to pay child support or punish the “custodial” parent for having to pay them child support.
You are the parent of your child/children and are still financially responsible for them. All these things need to be considered when leaving the other parent. The children’s needs suddenly do not exist because one parent has left.
To Fight or Not To Fight
Do not fight in front of your child/children.
Do not cut off communication with the other parent and demand to only go through the child/children. They are not the adults and they are not emotionally equipped to carry adult decisions.
Communicate with each other via phone, text, email and or in person.
Do not attack each other through communication.
Be Flexible
Always be child/children focused.
Be flexible for the sake of the child/children.
Maybe on your week or weekend with them someone special to the child/children is coming to visit the other parent from interstate and they would like to see the child/children. Allow the child/children to stay with that parent over night if necessary to see them.
On Christmas day work out a way the child/children can spend time with both sides of the family.
During holidays try to share the child/children equally. If you know you’re working fulltime during the whole of the holidays and you know you won’t be home to spend time with child/children, and the other parent will be home during the holidays and can spend time with them, maybe it would be better for the child/children to stay with the other parent during the holidays.
It is about being flexible for the child/children’s needs.
Children
Make sure the child/children know that both of you love them. That the separation is not caused by them. Children will often blame themselves and even bargain with their parents to keep them together.
Communication
Let the children know they can come to you when they feel the arrangements are not working for them.
Ask them what they would like to do differently. Remember to remain calm and flexible.
