Why is it so wounding?
The absence of physical involvement does not minimise the intensity of devastation for the betrayed spouse.
I have had clients tell me an emotional affair affected them worse than a physical affair because they not only gave their heart to another person but they told them life secrets kept and parts of themself for someone else.
Quite often the guilty partner will say the sex didn’t mean anything to me.
I thought it would make me happy but it didn’t. I was still sad. I just needed to be held.
A wife told their husband what hurts them is the time they took from them to spend with other people.
When one partner says they’re just friends, that’s a red flag because that’s time they’ve spent sharing intimate parts of their life they should have been kept for their partner.
One person may say I wanted to share my life with my partner, I wanted to share what was on my mind, I wanted to be affectionate with my partner but they were not interested & kept pushing me away.
This may be the case but it’s never an excuse to go outside the relationship.
The partner could have gone to Counselling over and over again until the two had worked through the issues.
While ever the guilty partner denies the impact of an emotional affair on their partner, their partner will never hear them objectively and they can’t heal.
They need to feel heard so they can get closure. The betrayed partner doesn’t need to hear their partner minimising what they’ve done.
Emotional affairs are physical affairs that haven’t gotten physical yet.
Some things to think about.
- There have been boundary violations within the relationship.
- There are intimate things that have been reserved for your partner only and to share those with another person is a relationship violation.
- You’ve become more emotional, shared more of yourself than with your spouse.
I had one client tell me she noticed her husband had cut himself off from her emotionally for months and that’s because he reserved that part of himself for the other woman.
This is how an emotional affair gains momentum. The partner committing the affair gains more safety with the other person than they do with their spouse. They see their partner in a negative light to justify the affair.
The partner becomes more protective of the affair partner than they do their spouse.
One wife told me her husband stopped wanting to do things for her. Everything she needed from him was a burden to him, even for his own children.
Another part of the affair is the affair partner gets to see into the relationship of the spouse’s marriage; the cracks and the offences but they don’t get to see the relationship the spouse has with their partner so it is not a level playing field.
This is embarrassing and humiliating for the betrayed partner. Suddenly they are feeling exposed. The trust between the two of them has been shattered.
The relationship can be reclaimed but it is going to take work.
The partner who committed the affair needs to be honest about the details.
I’ve had many partners in my room tell me they need their partner to be honest so they can forgive them but if their partner isn’t honest about the details or the frequency with the other person they don’t know what they’re forgiving. They admit the details will hurt but they need to know.
The reason why the cheating partner doesn’t give the betrayed partner the details is because
- They don’t want to hurt their partner more than they already have.
- They’re ashamed of the details.
- They want to forget about the details and start over.
If you and your partner are going through this don’t hesitate to click on the link below for professional and compassionate support.
