What does control look like in a relationship and is it control if the victim stands up to the abuser?
Abuser sounds like a strong word to use when there is no physical abuse involved in the relationship.
There are many forms of abuse including coercive abuse or coercive control.
Coercive abuse is any form of behaviour that is used to emotionally manipulate, attempt to control, scare, or make a person feel they are too scared to be themselves in fear of their partner’s reaction, verbal or emotionally punishing.
If the victim stands up to any form of controlling behaviour and goes against the control, this does not make the behaviour any less controlling.
Often the abuser doesn’t believe they are being controlling if their tactics are not successful.
So what does control look like?
Control can be anything from making the victim feel guilty for working until the victim gives up their career.
The victim is told they can not spend time with their same sex friends on their own even once a month or once a year.
They have to spend every waking moment with their partner.
They are never to be on their phone though their partner is on social media commenting on the victim’s friends posts.
They are made to feel guilty for spending time with family.
The victim is abused via text and or in person for not replying immediately to their partner’s messages.
This form of abuse results in the victim being afraid to be themselves.
They begin to question what they use to know as irrational/controlling behaviour.
The abuser’s goal is to manipulate the victim into believing they need to spend more time with their partner and their partner is only wanting to spend time with them because they love them.
The abuser naturally plays the victim leaving the victim believing the issues in the relationship are their fault.
It is normal and healthy for a couple to spend some time apart doing their own thing, enjoying time doing an activity, sport or out with same sex friends once in a while or even once a week.
A couple do not have to do everything together all of the time.
The relationship will actually benefit from each person in the relationship having autonomy sometimes.
When one partner is supportive of their partner doing what makes them happy, it brings the couple closer in their relationship.
This does not refer to one person spending hours and hours at the Pub regularly with friends leaving their partner at home with their baby until all hours of the morning and coming home drunk.
This is not beneficial to the family.
Or spending hours after work at the gym every night when their partner needs them home after work to help with bathing, feeding and putting kids to bed. There needs to be boundaries around how much time apart is beneficial to the relationship and the family.
If you as a couple are struggling in this area, click on the link below for a booking today.
