As a Counsellor couples say to me “We want tools to de-escalate conflict before they get out of control.”
Here are some tools to de-escalate conflict.
1. When you are feeling defensive, say to your partner:
“Can you please say that in a softer way because I’m feeling defensive?”
2. Don’t blame your partner for issues.
Instead, say “There are things we both need to work on.”
This tells your partner you are not making them solely responsible for the issues within the relationship and you acknowledge you need to work on yourself too.
3. When your partner brings up some issues you can say things like
“You make some good points.”
If you feel things are getting heated, instead of being reactive and hurting each other and the relationship, you can say “Things are getting heated. Can we please take a break and come back to this later? I need to clear my head and I don’t want to say anything that will damage our relationship.”
This is better than attacking each other with criticisms, name-calling, yelling or talking over each other.
4. If you feel your partner deflects when you bring up issues, you can say things like “I think we are getting off track. Can we return to the original issue please?”
This way, the blame isn’t being put on your partner and they don’t feel attacked.
5. During conflict it is always good to acknowledge the positive things about your partner and apologise for things you have done or said in the relationship.
This will make your partner feel appreciated.
Acknowledge what they do well and what you appreciate them doing.
If you want further support in this area, click the link below for a booking today.
